i'm in one of those moods where nothing can cheer me up. i just want to feel numb and sleep for days. i'm sick of everything.

last night, i went out with a couple friends and the boy. i was trying to hook the two friends up. the girl can sometimes get on my nerves and drive me nuts...and well, she did last night. i got in one of my moods and didn't feel like doing anything...or saying anything. it ruined my night and i know i probably ruined theirs. just sometimes people get on my nerves...and quick. there's nothing to get out of my moods...just time. people tell me that i need to lighten up. that i don't act my age, i act older, and i just need to let go and have fun. i don't know how to do that. just everything gets to me now. not like they used to.

it made me miss being in ninth grade...when i felt most myself. i had so much fun with my friends. i did whatever i wanted and wasn't scared of stupid things like i am now. somewhat fearless. i tried things. i lightened up. now i can't bring myself to do that. i can't bring myself to lighten up.

my boyfriend says i need to smoke a joint. haha. if only it was always that easy.

start of a new beginning

I don't know why I got one of these. I guess I just wanted something new...when everything else in my life is old. I'm jobless, still living with my mom, all my stuff still in Alabama. I'm just bored of this. I wish I was still working at Fujifilm. The work was good. The pay was good. Even the workers were good. How am I gonna find something like that again? I could go back in the fall, when things pick up there again, but what do I do until then? I need a job. I need to get out of here. Christopher and I need to find an apartment soon. We're both going crazy. His mom drives him nuts and not having my own stuff drives me nuts. I hate to regret, but man...was I stupid? To get married at nineteen, move all my shit down to Alabama, then leave everything there when things get rough. I'm not saying I should have stayed there...I'm just saying I should have thought things through and know that he wouldn't have come through for me. Why should I trust him anymore? I should have did things on my own and just brought everything back with me when I could. I can't let people tell me what to do anymore. I just have to think for myself and do it on my own. I won't get anywhere with letting people do it for me.


So this is me...I'm not sure if I like it yet or not...but I'm trying to.